Recent events here in Canada have underlined the fact that even though we normally tend to lag behind big brother USA in terms of international disdain, gun violence and terrorist attacks, it only takes a single bullet to evaporate any complacency one has over that state of affairs. The chickens are indeed coming home to roost, and things may well have changed forever, even north of the border.
It remains a staggeringly disappointing reality of our very existence that humans simply cannot get along, even in supposedly civilised times. Whether it's international or domestic forms of conflict, it seems that humans just can't (or often don't want to) get along, even when the stakes are extremely high. I mean, we seem to have a very hard time making a go of even marriage in modern times, and it's incredible how vicious that form of conflict (divorce) can often be, even when it's someone with whom we were once madly in love!
No surprise then that a particularly regular source of inter-human conflict and coincident stress comes from where we spend a great deal of our daily existence - the workplace! I have had a few discussions of late with colleagues complaining about this person or that one in the office; people seemingly intent on derailing daily lives if not even going so far as to jeopardise one's actual position in the workforce. The latter point being simply inexcusable, of course.
The question of how to deal with toxic people in the workplace is rarely one that comes with a straightforward answer, nor should the significance of the situation be trivialised - it can be serious business indeed - and an inappropriate response to it can often do the "victim" more damage than the perpetrator. But that's the idea, right? Every situation can be as unique as the distinct people involved, and sadly there are no golden rules to follow or quick fix solutions. There are a few key points one should bear in mind though when dealing with conflict or outright toxicity in the workplace:
- Let's get one thing right out into the open, right away, shall we? Toxic individuals in the workplace are to a man or woman almost unquestionably, wait for it, unhappy! Show me wonderfully happy people who routinely become monsters in the workplace and I will show you a fish that rides a bicycle. Those who come into work with an agenda that involves disrupting other people's work and lives are rarely happy and in fact are usually downright miserable. Misery Inc., in fact. To even consider letting them get inside of your circumference of normality and daily contentedness is a mistake - they must be kept at arm's length at all times. The guard must always be up, because you need that job and the stakes are definitely that high.
- The absolute #1 priority has to be to put yourself first. It is perfectly okay to be selfish; as selfish as the person who insists on taking out their bad day on you, or who tries to spin you into their own web of discontent with management or the top clique at work. Rather than going out of one's way to listen to their endless complaints or devious attempts to get one to join the conspiracy, it is perfectly acceptable to state that one doesn't have time and that one needs to get back to work. It's one thing to lend an ear, and quite another to be expected to be the bottomless sink for all their tales of woe.
- One needs to spot toxicity when and where it arises, and frankly the solution that works best is to have as little to do with it as humanly possible. There is (or should be) no place for personal conflict in the workplace, and it can be very disruptive to both individuals and the team alike. Once someone presents a clear and present danger then someone needs to step up and speak up with human resources, particularly if other colleagues are willing to endorse such action. To do what is most commonly observed, i.e. nothing at all, is to allow the toxicity to fester and begin to seep across the floorboards into other offices where it will spread with great ease. It's a bit like Ebola - better nip it in the bud early rather than trying to sort it out once three quarters of the offices are infected with it!
- Of course, avoiding/ignoring conflict is way more easily said than done, and often one needs to interact daily with someone who has us in their sights, and seems hell-bent on disrupting our work life. Toxicity comes in more than one form, and can be harder to spot when it's served up with a warm smile and giggle to accompany the put-down or outright insult, such that others nearby think that the instigator is all sweetness and light, while you are the unstable one who overreacts all the time. The fact that such toxicity does exist in the workplace is almost always a sign of a lack of (true and clear) leadership, but that is a sad fact of life that is almost insurmountable, I'm afraid!
- Once you have spotted a toxic persona, you need to spend as little time in the day around that person as feasible, and if you can, deal with him/her in public as much as possible, and avoid the closed doors at all costs. If you limit private exposure to the problem person, you tend to also limit their attempts at derailing your day and your work. The devil finds work for idle hands to do, and while that person may not be focused on their work to the extent that they should be, this is no excuse for you to do the same - turn a blind eye and a deaf ear, and get on with the job at hand. It's a workplace, not the high school playground.
- All of this is all well and good, but what if the main personality clash or problem at work is a superior, or God forbid, even the boss? I could be tempted to say that it's not easily possible for the boss to be classically toxic, because they were selected for due to a variety of positive attributes, but can it happen? Well, yes, it can and it has if I consider various testimonies I have heard over the years. So, the conundrum is what to do when there are personality clashes with a superior or the boss?
- It's funny how far one can go on the back of a solid work ethic and some great work! Irrespective of how one feels about the boss, perhaps even disliking their attitude a lot of the time, there is little they can truly moan about when your production is firing on all cylinders. They still might not like you, you might truly dislike them, but if you are doing a great job then it's not easy to put you down. Focus on the work, not on who may directly benefit from that work, and I bet you go up on the popularity ratings, sooner or later. One has to play smart, and truly liking that person is not a job requirement for producing what they expect from you; so zip it and get on with it and let good days become great weeks that turn into extremely productive years. It's hard to imagine that this won't pay off one day or another.
- As sage as that point no doubt is, frankly if you have an ongoing clash with a superior or the boss, while it is smart to smile, get your head down and get on with the work, it is also smart to get your resume, LinkedIn and other social media profiles updated and aligned with your personal brand and value proposition for the inevitable job search ahead. I say "inevitable" because if you are feeling used, abused or under-appreciated at work, it is unlikely that you are happy, and this will almost certainly end at a perhaps unforeseen crossroads - the one where you choose to move on, or you get moved on. Life is too short to stay unhappily in a job, and if you see the writing on the wall then take control of your situation and do something positive about it while you are still in a job. It goes without saying that finding a new job is always easier when you are still in a job, and not out there in limbo with so many others.
In the end, it's all about the work, and if someone does try to stop you from getting it done then it's time to confront them about it and put an end to their nonsense, either by clarifying your refusal to deal with their BS directly, or if that does not do the trick then by going to human resources or an appropriate superior to rectify the problem. Resolution between two individuals is always the best solution, rather than involving the organisation, but it's quite rare I feel. As simple as attempting resolution sounds, it still does not help much with how you feel about the conflict or the stress that it brings to your day, but you must try to remember that this is the goal of the toxic persona - to get inside your head and heart.
It is mandatory to recognise that, and to minimise the impact of their unhappiness on your happiness. However hard they try, they cannot take away who you are, and it is because they are often envious of who you are that they try to crack through your shell - but you have to be resolute in the face of that. Don't let their weakness, insecurity and envy become your problem. Think of it this way - you already are miles ahead in the race because when you get out of bed first thing each morning, you already have something huge to celebrate - the fact that you ain't them!
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